me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.