Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
#Caturday
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
the short answer to this question
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.