dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not