People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
inside you are two wolves
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.