Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
(by @ZachWeiner )
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.