Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.