interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”