A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
🙂🐾
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.