We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.