I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.