In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
buys donuts instead
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?