Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
tell em, edith-anne
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.