feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
🤣could you imagine
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh