Your proctologist called. He found your head.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back