If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
favorite tropes as memes
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.