Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.