I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries