According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me