Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
You Might Also Like
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Peter Parker Peter Driver