One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
You Might Also Like
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.