“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.