Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.