Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?