when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?