To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.