How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
#dnd #ttrpg
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no