*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended