SF is the wild wild west man
You Might Also Like
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Don’t frighten the programmers!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song