[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”