Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings