gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.