Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
#winning