[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
we’re dead?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up