Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
You Might Also Like
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it