Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time