You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
You Might Also Like
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.