Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
road rage
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities