COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water