me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Oh we’ve met.
War & Peace
These aliens are taking forever.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
New favorite tiktok
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.