I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.