Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
all bases covered
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.