What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Beware of the “party goblin”…