*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.