ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.