I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
What a year we’ve had this week.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”