If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
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Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Worst bar ever.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
dutch is not a serious language
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.