Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed