Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You Might Also Like
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Called it
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Single and childfree like Jesus
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking