Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Here’s a meme
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.