I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess